Bursts

I admit, I am looking for God. I have some frame of reference from my somewhat minimal religious upbringing. I also admit, I am looking for God because it has been instructed to me to do so. I am a practitioner of the Overeaters Anonymous program. I know, not very anonymous of me to say so. As a matter of fact, one of the best friends I ever had never shied away from identifying himself as being in a 12 step program. Maybe that makes it alright.

Anyway, I am working on making a connection between all the spiritual aspects of the program and the actual point of it, as stated in its name. That is, I am supposed to be combatting my propensity to overeat. I have gone round and round with this connectability. It may end up being the impetus that keeps me searching and working the program at all. It apparently isn't giving me some sort of simple solution. The interesting thing is, I do have a strong sense that progress is being made. That's new for me. So this conundrum isn't discouraging me entirely. I feel I have support. I feel my journey in this spiritual direction is leading somewhere. Not just in circles. That's what I'm used to. This however is different.

Tonight I came up with the idea that the sort of spirituality that is necessary for making the subtle connection to my eating is the kind that is deep but not too dogmatic. Maybe when they say God As We Understood Him, the vagueness is on purpose. Maybe you have to pare it down to very simple feelings and understanding. If I flesh it out too much, I get taken off to tangents. Then I have left the arena of the self care that I desperately need as an addictive person. I get muddled. But my journey through the quagmire of Judaism and the Bible has been absolutely necessary, it seems. I had no frame of reference for a definition of a deity. If I used the OA/AA definitions, it most likely would have been too ambiguous. On the other hand, if I stick with the Judeo/Christian concept, it takes me far afield of a deeply personal sensation of a Power Greater Than Myself. Your senses tell you how to manage your self care, I believe. You must rely on a sense of self. But the Program suggests that a sense of self works best when it is informed by a sense of a Higher Power. Step 11 is about improving our Conscious Contact With God. That's pretty out there. Or in there. In the Bible, people and God spend a lot of time in direct, 2 way conversation with each other. That is certainly not my experience here on this plane of existence. So for me it's better to have a sense of God. We aren't going to have conversations. But I like the idea that I can get closer to Him/Her/It on some level. It's a level of the spirit. It's an internal level. It needs to get into the place where I live my life. Where I make day to day decisions. I don't mind admitting that I make decisions not only from a cold, intellectual place. Decisions are often spiritually informed. But I never knew how to look for the source of that spirituality. The Program has given me that direction. I have attempted to take that and run with it. That is the best thing I can come up with. I just take one step forward at a time, trying not to trip and fall on my face.